Growing your Business is a skill and can and must be learned.
In business, coming up with a big idea is just the beginning and definitely not the hardest part.
The hardest part of building a business is one starting and two continuing to grow and move past the daily obstacles and challenges that come your way.
You’ve come this far on your journey, but what’s going to get you to the next level? Many business owners we have worked with have found the answer is not working harder.
Business Essentials online program allows you to learn the essential skills to launch and run a world-class business from the comfort of your own home, or beach or kids footy game.
We’ve left out the excess and kept only the essentials to take your business from hobby to happening less than 5 Days – then revisit classes as often as you like FOR LIFE to make sure it sticks.
Click here to find out more about How to build your Heart Based Business – from hobby to happening in 5 simple steps.
There are four levels that we experience our existence through and therefore our decisions and our change. According to metaphysics there are actually a couple more, but these are the four that most of us can comprehend and therefore are useful to help us decipher our experiences in this world.
Spiritual is simply a belief that there is something out there bigger than us. You can call it god or source or the universe or some alien kid doing a school science project but there is a faith and knowing that we are part of some greater design than just this single existence .
Mental is all things logical, our beliefs, our formal and informal education and the language we use and things we tell ourselves about the problem we have and why it’s so unique to our perspective.
Emotional is the energetic states we experience, our values, our trauma our fight or flight response.
And physical is the manifested reality our physical bodies exist in. This is the bit where gravity is real and doors are solid no matter how much we believe we are particales of light vibrating at high speed.
Our physical bodies are weak, fragile. We cut, we break, we bleed.
We can strengthen them to a point with gym workouts and great nutrition , But when our emotions are engaged, they can make us superhuman. Just think of a mum lifting a car off her baby, or outrunning a bull to save your life.
Emotions can make us strong but they can also make us weak, emotional trauma is stored in our body as disease, kinesiology shows us that lies and negative emotions drop our strength, while truth makes us strong.
So logic allows us to combat that weakness, it builds shoes so we can walk on fire, it builds shelter so we can avoid the cold. It equally sets us free and sets us up to fail – have you ever wondered what would happen if the power went out? Or tried to walk barefoot on the first hot day or summer?
Our spirituality, faith, gives us strength to go on when we are physically broken, emotionally devastated, logically making no sense, our faith in a higher purpose allows us to find the most important of human conditions- hope that everything is happening for a reason and the stronger our belief that there is a reason, the more we’ll use logic to search for it, the more passion and determination will fill our emotional tank and we’ll push our bodies through untold pain.
All four areas are operating and influencing each other at all times which is why it is ludicrous to thing we can heal our life only focusing on one.
And yet So many therapies do.
We are not separate we are one.
We are not a symptom we are a system.
If you have a challenge then you have a gap or block in one or all of the four planes and it needs to be cleared so you can move forward.
Do you need to find faith? Start with the Law of Attraction
Do you need to learn more tools? Try The Coaching Institute or books
Do you need to process your emotions? Call us for 1:1 coaching
Do you need a physical adjustment? Start with your nutrition at fionaellis.myzija.com
It doesn’t necessarily matter where you start to make change as long as you start, but if you want a professional opinion and some help to narrow it down give us a call and we can help.
Sometimes it is so much harder to be good in this world
Success takes longer
You’ll get kicked harder
You’ll be ridiculed, bullied, hurt, dragged down.
You’ll lose to liars, be beaten by cheats.
And somedays you’ll question why be good at all.
It would be so much easier to quit, find an easy way out, let somebody else fix it.
But the world doesn’t get better that way.
Evil isn’t stronger or better, it cheats because it’s NOT strong enough to take the long way.
Evil acts tough but the TRUTH is – Evil is afraid.
Its afraid of being found out. It’s afraid of what is different. It is afraid of being wrong.
And that is evils weakness because Fear never wins. Fear can’t because like darkness, it can always be penetrated by even the smallest flicker of light.
Evil is a matter of perception and closed minds. Love takes curiousity
It takes courage to respond with curiousity instead of judgement.
Ultimately, Love wins. Always. Because Love is not the opposite of fear and hate, it’s the decision that there is something so much more important.
Our Children’s Children are.
Fear is universal, but so is love.
Fear is a survival instinct, Love is necessary for survival.
Fear shrinks, love expands.
So be aware but not afraid of Evil.
Its easy to react with ever increasing levels of evil in the name of good. It takes real strength to choose kindness in the face of angry. Love in the face of fear.
Both are a choice.
Use the anger at evil acts to decide enough is enough.
Use the sadness at evil acts to bring compassion.
Fear breeds more fear, love breeds more love.
Have you ever wondered why sometimes bad habits just keep coming back to bite you? Why you can have the best intentions – great new years resolutions, really smart S.M.A.R.T goals and yet still you end up falling back into old routines after a few short weeks?
Have you ever tried to start something or quit something and found it such a struggle, requiring so much effort it just doesn’t seem worth it, while other people seem to just snap their fingers and its done?
Why is that?
Well the Logical Levels of Change model from NLP is one of the best models I’ve found to explain what is actually going on in our brains when we face changes, and for me, once I understand something I find it a damn site easier to make it happen, don’t you?
The NLP Logical Levels of Change Model was inspired by Gregory Bateson, a well known cultural anthropologist, and developed by Robert Dilts and the pioneers of Neuro-Linguistic Programming.
Many traditional therapies focus mainly on the doing aspects of change, the bits they can see – external problems and behaviour – but the problem is that if you only focus on changing what you see on the surface, it’s like chopping the top off a weed and wondering why it grows back.
Every gardener knows that the part of the weed you can see is just the symptom of a much bigger root system below and until you deal with the roots, you’ve never truly solved the problem.
In Transformational Meta Coaching, we deal with the thinking beneath the behaviour, the skills, beliefs, values and identity buried deep in the unconscious mind, and know the external problems and behaviour simply as an indicator of where to start digging.
Let me explain how we use the Six Logical Levels of Change in coaching:
If you stop and reflect on the problems you experience in your world, you’ll notice that even though the external environment you’re in has changed many times over, there are patterns that have repeated throughout your life. For example – bullying in the workplace or clutter in your home or challenges in relationships.
The same is true for the things you excel at – reflect for a moment on the areas that you are most effective at in life and notice that no matter the environment, you’re “a natural” at certain things. Eg parenting, health and fitness, your successful job.
Fulfillment and happiness comes from the experience of living in congruence with the calling in our hearts but this only occurs when all 6 areas are in alignment. So many people experience frustration in their life because they know their external environment doesn’t match up with the mission or calling of their heart and who they say they are, but get stuck in that place because they only change the environment or behaviour and so the problems keep reoccurring.
When you notice these reoccurring patterns, you can choose to be frustrated or excited as they are the most valuable indicators in teaching you the biggest lessons about you. When you recognise a pattern, it’s time to celebrate and look within to change it to “be the change you want to see”.
You can change any in any order but if you only change the surface the change will be less effective, each layer below the surface will make the change more effective
When working with a Meta Coach, our focus is first and foremost on identifying which level is causing you to be stuck then supporting you through the most effective first techniques to shift the block in your thinking or actions to allow you to move forward.
That said, Just changing one area, does not guarantee change in another. When change occurs in a hypnotherapy or Meta Coaching session at the transformational levels, then it is instant, permanent and more likely to impact and stick in the doing levels.
However, just because the transformation has occurred, the evidence may not appear immediately in your external world and so ongoing support and accountability is recommended until the new behaviour’s become habits and the new results start to appear.
Which should I choose first?
Environment – Changing the external environment should be a last resort because everything you are experiencing in your current external environment is simply a reflection of your internal environment. (ie don’t quit your job or leave your relationship thinking the next one will magically be better – it wont unless you change)
Your environment is the one area that can be changed by others without warning or desire eg. Through redundancy, so if that happens, you can choose to see that as scary or a gift, an opportunity to consider if it really was as good as you remember, in which case recreate it, OR if perhaps it just seemed good because it was comfortable. Revisit the Six Core Needs on how to handle uncertainty
Behaviour – simply a symptom of everything below it so “doing change” requires constant focus, effort and accountability to maintain. It also requires a lot of energy and motivation which tends to fade quickly. Consider an accountability buddy to help it stick.
Skills & Capabilities – this is a pivotal part of any lasting change because it impacts up and down the scale. When you learn something new, the new awareness and perspective can change beliefs, values and even what you believe about yourself and the world around you. It is important to bring a level of child like curiosity to any learning though, not the school rote memory nonsense because true learning requires you to apply it to be effective.
It is also vitally important to remember there will always be a learning period taking you through the Conscious Learning Cycle after any transformational change work because even though you have the new belief, that wont instantly give you the years of practice you missed out on with your old beliefs. Eg Transforming a limiting belief of “I’m not creative” to “I am infinitely creative” does not necessarily you’ll be able to paint like michalangelo at the end of the coaching session. You need to take your new belief into new situations, art classes, and go through the learning cycle from basics to Mastery.
Beliefs and values – “transformational change” This work can happen naturally through learning and periods of change in your life, but if you’re after rapid results without years of continuing to repeat the same mistakes, we recommend working with a Meta Coach who understands how beliefs are formed and has the skills to instantly maximise the effectiveness of the Neuro-Plasticity of the brain to give you a jump start in your progress.
Identity – Any identity statement comes with a subset of values and beliefs, loosely based on generalised stereotypes but specifically unique to you eg, “I am a parent/ wife/ lawyer/ doctor/ sick/ healthy.
Significant emotional events tend to be the most powerful catalyst for change as they usually impact multiple areas at the same time, particularly something like the birth of a child and shift one “I Am” statement to another.
If you have experienced a significant emotional event, or want to make changes without waiting for one, then that is the best time to work with a counsellor or coach to help you clarify how the changes in your core belief about yourself will impact in your world, and what you can do to make it a smooth and enjoyable transition.
Spirit Purpose – This is the core truth we’re all working to get back to. A Course In Miracles says “Your goal is to find out who you are and live that”. Many spiritual teachers agree that we’re all born with our purpose in our heart, then our life experiences are designed to guide us to live that purpose. For some people, that is experienced through their faith/religion. For others it is the unconditional love of a child. Or even the awareness that the most rewarding experience is to give freely to others in need.
When you’re trusting the mission in your heart, when you’re on Your purpose, then there is a wonderful feeling of “Flow”. It is as if everything is easy, working in your favour. Carparks open up at crowded shopping centres, opportunities come beating down your door for you to choose at your preference, true abundance flows to you in all areas – health, love, wealth and with it, the complete certainty of knowing you are on the right path.
A Rose, does not compare itself to a tree and try to be that – it simply grows every day into the most beautiful version of itself it can be.
Listen to your heart, get help to clear out the clutter of “Should’s” and enjoy the incredible richness of your life that will follow.
“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you’er than you.”
– Dr Seuss –
Have you ever wondered why we do what we do?
In coaching and human behaviour we know that while each human being is unique, we also share nervous systems that function in the same way, which means there are finite number of human behaviour patterns that we all have in common – we just put them together in many different ways.
The Six Core Needs is one such pattern that is regarded as one of the most influential in how we live and function as a society and critical to how we achieve happiness and fulfillment or live a life of quiet desperation since all behaviour meets one or all those six needs.
In any given moment, these six core needs are the source of lasting, sustainable happiness and fulfillment. Unfortunately they’re also the source of addictions, violent behaviour and depression.
How can the same six needs give such completely different results?
Let’s take a look. First up, here are the Six Core Human Needs from Anthony Robbins.
- Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure, safety, security
- Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli, adventure
- Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed, independence
- Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something
- Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
- Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others
The Six Core Needs are broken into two parts – the top four are needs of the Ego, and the last two are needs of the Spirit. The top 4 are the most compelling and as much a part of our life as gravity – doesn’t make sense and we don’t always like it but I still don’t recommend you test the theory.
You’ll notice that they’re also in sets of two that look contradictory to each other – Certainty and Uncertainty/Variety, Significance and Connection/Love. That’s because with each set there is such thing as too much of a good thing.
Have you ever noticed that when things become to certain, too much routine, too much same-same groundhog day then we’ll find a way to spice things up a bit, “Variety is the spice of life” they say.
And have you ever seen significant people that appear to have it all, fame and fortune, but feel alone and spiral out of control because they cant find real connection and love?
Whether we’re consciously aware of it or not, our top four needs are being met every day as they have become crucial to our survival, but we all meet and prioritise them differently. As a general rule, we each have a top two “driver” needs and the priority we choose will impact every aspect of our life, and can cause major conflict – especially in our careers and relationships – if we need to interact with people with a different priority order.
Every need is happening, but which one do YOU prioritise?
On a day to day basis we always have all 4 top needs happening, but there are two in particular that will drive our decisions – one from each set, and within those two there will be one that sits as number 1 priority – the tie breaker Driver need.
To work out your number one Driver, look at each need asking “If you could only have one or the other, which would you choose?” Then take the one you choose and compare it with the next one down.
For example – Certainty or Variety – Certainty. Certainty or Significance – Certainty. Certainty or Connection/Love – Certainty. Number 1 need is Certainty.
Then for number two, do the same with the remaining 3 needs.
Variety or Significance – Significance. Significance or Connection/Love – Connection/Love. Connection/Love or Variety – Connection and Love. Number 2 need is Connection/Love.
Be aware though that the words themselves can impact on people’s choices so make sure you use the descriptions above to get a true representation of your number 1 and 2 driving needs.
When faced with a decision, everyone will decide on the behaviour’s or actions to take based on their driving need, people who are driven by certainty/security will make very different decisions about careers, holidays and investments with a level of risk, to people who are driven by variety/adventure.
This can lead to a lot of challenges for couples trying to plan a holiday if they have different priority drivers…
Even within the priority drivers, there is difference. Imagine that each need set is 100%, within each one we each have a sliding scale balance point where we feel the most comfortable – our natural balance.
If someone has Certainty as number one then it could mean that they have anywhere from 51% Certainty to 99% Certainty (49% Variety to 1% Variety)
This changes the behaviour extremes.
- 60% Certainty – likes going to the same restaurant, prefers a secure job
- 75% Certainty – has a set daily routine, prefers an autonomous role they are in control of.
- 90% Certainty – needs to be in control of most aspects of life, often displays OCD behaviour’s, does not respond well to sudden change
Sometimes our sliding scales get out of whack either by our choice or someone else’s, and when they do it creates extra stress that needs to be managed and brought back into alignment. Read about how to handle change here.
Resourceful / Unresourceful
As we meet the top four needs, our behaviour will be either be resourceful or unresourceful – which forms the most dramatic difference between fulfillment or frustration.
Consider the following questions. Is this behaviour:
- Internal or External Driven?
- Internal – 100% up to me and reliant on my actions and perspective to succeed
- External – requires other people or things to go right or be controlled to succeed.
- Sustainable or Unsustainable
- If everyone did this same behaviour would the world/business/community be a good sustainable place to be?
- Good for me, good for you, good for the greater good?
Resourceful behaviour’s= internal driven, sustainable, ecological.
Unresourceful behaviour’s = external driven, unsustainable, not ecological.
It is important to remember that with all behaviour it is still context dependent so while the behaviours here are generally considered to be resourceful or unresourceful – there will still be certain contexts or extremes that push them to the other side. Eg. Cleaning is a resourceful way to meet your need for certainty, but obsessive compulsive cleaning can lead to an inability to leave the home. Drug taking is an unresourceful way to meet the need for variety but many chronic pain sufferers smoke marijuana to be able to find relief from the pain. Read more here.
Needs of the spirit.
The final two needs are unattainable until the top four are being met in a resourceful way. They’re also the most compelling needs that can pull us forward through more challenges than the top four alone.
Many people say that growth and learning can be achieved at the same time as unresourceful behaviours (enter university…) but there always comes a point where the next level or growth requires a decision to let go of the old behaviour for the new – like throwing off sandbags from a rising hot air balloon.
The final need is the source of ultimate happiness which is being able to contribute to others in meaningful way. There is a reason that we all rally together in a crisis. As humans we’ve learnt that there is survival not just of the fittest but in our society its how we work together and the community we have around us.
At our core, we have a need to want to help others for no other reason than it just feels good. As Zig Ziglar said – “If I help enough people’s dreams come true, mine get taken care of.”
With thanks to Anthony Robbins
Fear is the most debilitating of human emotions.
It’s critical for our survival but with that part of your brain on constant surveillance for anything that could be dangerous it can get to a point where the definition of “dangerous” is simply “anything that is different”…
Now this was really useful when our RAS (the bit that filters in what is important to be aware of, and keeps out the rest aka the gatekeeper for your conscious mind) was used to scanning thousands of acres of African Savannah looking for the subtle movement of a sabre tooth tiger, but these days – with less animals waiting to eat you and with more rapid change and new things everywhere it can get a little out of control….
Even that wouldn’t be a problem if the fear part of us was rational and logical because it would make sense that of course things are newer more often because we’re inventing things all the time, but it doesn’t matter that there’s a new technology breakthrough because it’s obviously not life threatening – sabre tooth tigers are extinct now so there’s nothing to worry about….right?
See the modern “advanced” human brain actually has 3 different parts that have evolved over years of mutation under the Darwin principal -survival of the fittest. The newer neocortex areas of our brain allow us to reason and use logic, and are what has given us the ability to create such an range of tools and resources far beyond our needs for pure survival – one of the distinguishing features of human society over most other species.
Unfortunately the newer, analytical parts of our brain operate a little slower than the original “Croc Brain” which is the part responsible for all things survival.
This is the part that is deeply unconscious and controls all the things that if you needed to think about them before you did them would be too late. Like breathing, keeping your heart pumping and – reacting to life threatening danger.
When it comes to reaction speed, emotional instinct trumps logical analysis every time.
See while our brains evolved, our fight or flight response to danger remained the same.
The problem is that sometimes the fear sensor triggers the fight or flight response before we have time to rationalise that the danger isn’t really life threatening. In fact, thanks to our mirror neurones, sometimes we’re in fight or flight before we realise the danger isn’t even real! (Ever had a nightmare?)
When that response goes off, chemicals flood your body, preparing you to run away or punch danger in the face – And When you’re in real mortal danger, this response can save your life (cue Mick Fanning’s shark punch)
Most of the time it’s not a big deal but in times of heightened stress, the RAS kicks into danger hyperdrive and you can find yourself caught in the fight chain of Anger,when the last little thing causes you to lash out at someone either verbally or physically in a way that is a complete overreaction to how logically your response should have been.
Anger is the second core human emotion that we need to survive because it’s the one that defines our boundaries and fuels our strength when those boundaries are crossed. Unfortunately it is stored in a chain, like a string of pearls, and if we don’t deal with them as they come up the chain gets longer until finally the tiniest pearl at the end sends all the anger flying at whoever is closest.
Cue sadness, the third of the fundamentally human emotions that allow our society to function because it is what gives us the compassion to care for others. And with it remorse, regret and asking for forgiveness.
This compassion drives us to want to learn from our mistakes for the good of our loved ones, our community, our world. It drives us to seek the ultimate fulfilment through contribution to the good of others.
But if we’re too afraid to expand what we know to be safe, or say what needs to be said to change what needs to be changed – then we just stay stuck still, a “victim” in tears, waiting for the danger to get us and feeling powerless to stop it.
The more powerless we feel, the more we crave safety, certainty and the less willing we are to leave the familiarity of our comfort zone.
Unfortunately the more you try to keep things the same, the more anything new looks dangerous to your fear sensors.
Your whole body goes on the defensive, high alert, ready to react instantly to the first sign of danger. But when your comfort zone shrinks, that first sign of danger is often nothing more than a look, a tone of voice, an innocent question from a loved one that was never meant with judgement but you feel is an attack on your safety.
So you react with anger, sadness, fear and so the cycle continues.
There is a way to stop unreasonable fear ruling your life though, and the first step is awareness.
Let’s put aside the real dangers In Life for a moment and talk about the threats that trigger the other kind of F.E.A.R. – False Evidence Appearing Real.
If you know and accept that no matter how much you don’t like it, we’re still – and always will be in our lifetime at least – emotional beings, then you can learn to master your emotions rather than wishing they’d go away.
Fear, Anger and Sadness are not something to ignore, suppress or get rid of because they will always come out at some stage – they have to, it’s evolution baby!
While you can’t always take control of your fear response, you can take control of your RAS, or at least what it is searching for, and you must because If you don’t tell it what to look for then everything new is danger.
So when you feel the Fear, Anger or Sadness about to overwhelm you and explode, just STOP.
S- Stop. Just stop whatever your saying or about to say, doing or about to do because the only possible outcome of a fight or flight response is that someone gets hurt. Either someone/thing hurts you first; or you hurt it first – that’s the point. Whether it is physically or emotionally – fighting always hurts. Even flight hurts – it hurts you. So just stop and take the time to…
T- Think – you need time to force your rational brains to kick in and override the danger signal. You need to notice it’s not really life threatening. Take a moment to suspend your emotional response and think that just maybe there is another perspective. Take a moment to put yourself in their shoes and…
O- Open your heart – Love is the only antidote to fear. Love is the opposite side to the coin, they cannot exist at the same time, love will always win out because the core of fear is lack of love. So if you consider that the other person may also be reacting from an emotional space of fear then you can be open enough to hearing both sides of the story. It does not make them right but without being open, the real truth can never be told. And without the real truth, then there can never be a common ground to stand on to start to move forward. For some people, their love for you is not worth moving forward together so you simply need to get to a solid ground for you. But for others, for important relationships this is a must because it is usually these people we take our fear out on the most. They have to safest ground to be tested because you can push further with each other before giving up. Parents, husbands/wives, children, close friends – the stronger the love the stronger the tests it can withstand but there comes a point where the testing must stop. Where you must stop trying to win against them, and truly embrace the common ground to stand together so you both can win against the world. The true danger is out there, not in here, and we’re always stronger together. When you realise that then you can start to look for the…
P- Positives. There is always a silver lining, there is always a positive in every situation because love and light always exists even in the darkness and it is so much more powerful. A single candle can shed more light than a single shadow can shed dark.
If you trust that everything happens for a reason and look for the positives, even in the potential worst case outcome, then it makes starting the thing you’re afraid of easier. If you trust that there is always a way then you will find it together.
But you must consciously look for the positive because your RAS is set to default to negative. Looking for the positive is and always will be a manual override function. Even for the most optimistic person, their default setting is to survive and that means be always on the lookout for danger. Look for love, and practice patience and gratitude as a stepping stone to love.
Remember there is no universal truth and no single common danger. Even the universal truth that the sun will come up tomorrow is not true in many parts of the world.
Our truth is simply that which we believe to be true based on all that we’ve experienced so far, and our RAS will continue to look for evidence to remind us of that truth because that is our safety, our beacon of certainty in an otherwise uncertain world.
All possibilities exist in the world in every moment. Doubt or trust. Lack or abundance. Fear or love.
The more positive universal truths we accept, the more positive our world will be as our RAS uses these as guidance to filter in and out everything else.
So look for love and trust that you are loved. And every time you find someone who loves you, hold onto that truth and never let yourself question it. Look for evidence that makes it true instead.
“Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the decision there is something more important than the fear”
RAS – click here for the science
The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
‘Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things – family, children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else –The small stuff.
‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ He continued,
there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children…Take time to get medical checkups…Take your partner out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal..
‘Take care of the golf balls first — The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. ‘I’m glad you asked’.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’
Did your Valentine’s Day not quite go according to plan?
We all remember what it’s like to be in a new relationship. Those early days of feeling loved up and starry eyed.
When it was all romance and possibilities.
Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows that the honeymoon phase wears off, life gets in the way and the person who used to be at the centre of your world becomes the stranger in the other room.
With 1 in 3 Marriages ending in divorce, and even higher numbers for long term relationships that never made it official, if you’ve had that moment of wondering how did things get so off track then Relationships Essentials is for you.
Click here to find out how Relationships Essentials can reignite the spark and bring your relationship back to its honeymoon phase potential.
Join Relationship Essentials using our special Valentines Day code and receive $20 off – enter REValentine at the checkout (valid this week only).
Have you ever held back a moment of honesty with someone because you were afraid it might hurt?
Afraid that the honest truth would hurt them, or they’d hurt you or a relationship would be damaged?
Only to later have the hurt and damage happen anyway?
More people are hurt from lies than from truth.
Not even just the big lies – those are easy to expose. It’s the little ones that are infinitely more dangerous.
The “I’m Fine’s” as someone’s world falls apart so nobody notices until it’s too late.
By the time they’re ready to admit something is not right, by the time other people start to notice, the surface facade is so far from what is really going on that to admit one truth is to open up a can of worms and expose often years and years of half truths and white lies that all seem too much to handle.
What started as just admitting they’re not ok has now become admitting that they’re not ok AND that they’ve been lying to their loved ones all this time about it, long beyond the time where it would’ve been an easy solution, embarrassing perhaps but solveable. To a point where the hole is so deep that there will be many casualties in climbing their way out.
In many cases people hold back their truth to protect the relationship but what relationship is it if you can’t be honest?
The people with the problem hold back the truth for fear of judgment, embarrassment, blame or shame. The people suspecting a problem hold back asking deeper questions for fear of hurting the other and instead find it easier to hope that the surface story is true.
But deep down the rot is festering.
There is a reason so many people say they never saw it coming when a friend commits suicide.
It’s because neither were brave enough to be honest about the signs.
There’s a reason why the suicide rate is so much higher amongst Men.
It’s because “real men don’t talk about their feelings” and the ego on both sides would rather be dead than admit they’re not perfect, they made a mistake, they have a problem they don’t know how to get out of.
Well congratulations Ego. In many cases that is exactly how it turns out.
But there are always signs.
There is always someone who didn’t believe the “I’m fine” but didn’t have the courage to be honest and delve deeper for fear of the resentment. For fear of losing the relationship. For fear of not being loved – the only true fear that exists.
News flash- we ALL fear not being loved. We ALL fear judgement because to be judged would mean to be cast out from the tribe and to be cast out from the tribe would have meant death by Sabre tooth tiger.
Our creature comforts may have evolved but our emotional brains have not.
If you truly love someone you have to trust that creating a safe space without judgement for the truth will be more important for the long run and show them there is a way back.
As the friend who picks up the warning signal, you have to make a call – is it preferable to risk losing a friendship and keeping them alive or keeping a fake friendship and standing at their funeral saying “I wish I’d said something?”
Avoiding the little truths helps no one. They just build up to become the big truths and those are usually way harder to fix.
As the person with the problem – face it. In most cases problems seem so insurmountable in our heads because the thinking that created the problem can’t notice the solution. It’s like not being able to see the wood for the trees!
But it is true when they say “a problem shared is a problem halved”. Not with everyone but when you share the problem with someone who cares about you and your happiness they can help you come up with options to find a way out. That doesn’t mean they have to or even should fix it for you, and it means sometimes copping a dose of “well that was dumb wasn’t it” and taking a hit to the ego.
But it does give you the opportunity to have some help to unravel the Christmas lights as it were.
Regardless of how big we let the problems get, there is still a way out. There are always options, no matter how painful, but the longer we avoid honesty the bigger the problem gets, the longer it takes to heal.
Most people see life either better than it is or worse than it is but very few face life as it is.
Most people live in the past – blaming or resenting what they can’t change, or in the future intending or hoping things will get better, rather than in the present, observing, understanding and changing current behaviour which is the only true power we have.
Intention only matters in the context of behaviour and behaviour only matters in the context of intention. How long should we let people with good intentions get away with bad behaviour? How long should we be blinded by acceptable behaviour as a distraction from bad intentions?
How long will you tolerate someone causing pain to others before you say something?
How long will you tolerate someone causing pain to themselves before you say something?
How long will you tolerate Being in pain before you say something?
But Truth also Heals.
And it might not even be that life or death of a situation yet.
It could just be a relationship you’re unhappy in and don’t know how to let the other know.
It could be a Child you’re trying to protect but tolerating behaviour that is out of control.
Kids are designed to test boundaries, it is how they learn to understand who they are and how to be, but if we’re not honest with what is acceptable and what is not – how will they learn? And what hope do they have as adults? They will continue the behaviour until someone stops tolerating it – don’t let that be a jail warden or their future children or when they can’t hold down any job or relationship and end up all alone.
At what point do you say enough is enough? At what point do you say “I love you but your behaviour is unacceptable” even if it makes them cry? At what point do you say “no, we will not be tolerating this anymore” even if they get angry or hurt?
At what point does the risk of silence finally outweigh the risk of honesty?
When they hurt you? When they hurt themselves? When they hurt others?
What if the truth you could’ve said is something that would’ve prevented hurt later? What if the honest feedback about someone’s behaviour allowed them to change it before it caused serious damage to themselves and others?
What is your honesty threshold?
When you first notice it?
When it’s gone on too long?
Or when it’s really too late because they’re not around to hear the feedback?
The past is done, can’t change it.
But next time you’re presented a choice between protecting egos or honesty, think long and hard about the decision you’re about to make.
At the end of the day you have to live with them resenting your honesty or you regretting your silence. Which one will hurt you more?
Honesty with others starts with honesty with ourselves. Anything less than this will lead to an incongruent and unfulfilled life where we’ll always be afraid of being found out.
It leads to a void we try to fill with addictions and more lies because if we don’t like who we are how can we believe others will?
It is a neverending snowball until we draw the line in the sand and decide that the honest relationship with ourselves and possibility of that with others is worth more than anything else.
There are no Sabre tooth tigers threatening our day to day life anymore. We aren’t limited by location and needing to be accepted by people in our immediate vicinity. We are not a tree, we can move. We can risk false friendships for the sake of real ones.
We can risk saying what needs to be said if it means protecting others in the long run.
We can risk the resentment from others for the possibility that a grain of truth may take root and be the one thing that allows them to change something for the better.
We just have to face the truth. Even when it hurts.
Or not and accept the possibility resenting yourself for your silence.
The Super Computer worked out that the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything was 42, but along the way it seems to have forgotten the question.
Once upon a time, we knew nothing and questioned everything.
This kept us alive, helped us to grow, helped us evolve our bodies and brains into the “advanced” human species we’ve become today. But have you noticed somewhere along the way we forgot to keep physically evolving?
We finally figured out how to communicate what we’d learned, and then somehow in learning how to teach, we forgot how to learn.
Rules were created to keep us safe and schools were created to teach us what we “knew”, and at the beginning of the evolution of our society structure this was especially important because teaching allowed us to expand our society and learn from our mistakes to keep us even safer.
Except we didn’t.
The more we learned and communicated with our heads, the less we listened and explored with our hearts.
The more educated we became the easier it has been to be mentally lazy.
The more mentally lazy we become the easier it is to be controlled.
The more we are controlled, the longer we stay asleep, the easier it is to fall prey to fear.
Fear is a necessary part of our evolution because it is the instinct that helps us discern good from bad, healthy from unhealthy, safe from unsafe.
If we do not know how to defend ourselves, then it makes sense to be afraid of the dark, but that does not mean the darkness is inherently dangerous or bad.
But what if that fear is being manipulated against us? What if we’ve been trained to believe that what is safe is unsafe, what is bad is good?
We need communication to be able to evolve, to stand on the shoulders of giants rather than reinventing the wheel.
But we need curiosity to keep evolution going.
We must remember And we must question.
We have every bit of information that’s ever been discovered at our fingertips and we can use it to wake us up or to push us back to sleep.
What we learn can make us more afraid or help us to choose more love.
It’s our choice to get educated on what we want, when we want, how we want.
Breadcrumb trails lead us to more of what we love, social networks bring our mutual weirdness together so we experience even more learning, even more safety.
We are in a time where everything and anything is possible for our species and what we do with it is entirely dependent on what we’re willing to ask, accept and embrace.
There was a time where he who controlled the education controlled the power.
But with the library of the world in the palm of our hands, they can no longer burn our books, and We control the power.
This is the next stage of evolution.
If The answer is 42, let the questions begin again now.
Happy New Year and Welcome to 2017.
As the hangovers wear off and the new day settles in, for many people it’s it’s the time for resolve.
It’s the time to say out with the old and in with the new, making loud and proud declarations of decisions we’ve made about how THiS year is the one that will be different to the rest.
But life doesn’t change overnight. When we woke up today it was just another Sunday.
The problems we had yesterday still exist today – don’t know about you but I didn’t wake up this morning 20kgs lighter and $1Million dollars richer.
What does change at the stroke of midnight though is our resolve.
“We can’t change our past, we can’t even change our present. We can only change our future by doing something different right now” Fiona Eberle
That resolve shouldn’t be underestimated- it has massive power to propel us forward. The new decisions we’ve made about how 2017 will be different can really come true – if we know how to make it so.
Allow me to introduce the long awaited, much anticipated and eagerly requested Figured for Life – 90 Day Life Transformation Project!
“It takes 30days to change a habit, but 90 Days can change your life”
Over the last 8years as a professional coach we’ve been accumulating tools, activities and insights to help transform lives and now for the first time we’re making them available to you in an easy to access, online app so you can truly make your New Years Resolutions a reality.
With your passionate determination and our professional master coach support, the next 90 Days will be the beginning of not just your New Year, also Your Transformed and Wonderful Life.
The last few days of the year always makes me feel like cleaning.
There’s a sense of urgency to clear out the clutter, a feeling of letting go.
This year especially with 2016 (for those of us into numerology) is a 9 year, a year of finishing, the end of a cycle of our lives.
So today is the day to get it done. Let go of anything from the last 9 years that no longer serves you.
Donate clothes that don’t feel right – even if they still fit!
Donate books you don’t read, throw out broken things you won’t mend.
Clean out the tops of the cupboards and the bottoms of the beds.
Clean the clutter, the dust and the air – open as many windows as you can find, light your favourite scented candles and bring in some fresh flowers or plants to act as a filter.
And it’s time to let go emotionally too. Time to release old grudges, leave the baggage behind.
As we look back on the year that was, there are always conversations we wish we’d had, things that could have been said, resentments for truths never set straight or regret for gratitudes never shared.
You’ll know if you have them, they feel like a lump in your throat, a weight on your chest – things you don’t want to start a new year dragging with you.
But the moment has passed, the opportunity to say it in the moment has gone forever and it’s not always worth bringing up again.
So rather than picking up the phone and risking ruining your New Years Eve, instead grab a pen and paper and write an old fashioned letter to them.
This idea came from a friend of mine and it’s a great way to release the emotion without needing anyone else to come to the party.
Why not just an email? Well there are two major reasons for doing it the old fashioned way
1. It’s Much harder to accidentally send a hard copy letter in the heat of the moment that you’ll only regret later
2. The physical act of writing is for now a different, more cathartic release than typing because for most of us we were still brought up writing by hand so our emotional neuro connections are stronger.
The purpose of this letter is not necessarily to send it. Of course you might if it turns out “perfect”, and especially if it is a letter of gratitude, love, forgiveness and reconnection.
Write from the heart, and remember – if it is a letter of resentment, write it then hold on to it for minimum 1 week before you send it. Often what happens in the writing process is that we’re able to let it go emotionally and it doesn’t matter if we get a response. Getting it out of our system is usually enough to forgive and move on much, much lighter.
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
Let’s face it, there are times when you just say that to not hurt their feelings when really you want to get out of the relationship tango with someone because they’re really starting to suck you dry.
You know the ones, the toxics, the dream stealers, the people that stab you in the back then apologise for it later.
Whether it’s family, work or a significant other, we’ve all hit a point when their behaviour gets so irritating and you just know that “if they would just change then everything would be ok because they’re the problem”.
It’s not me buddy, it’s YOU!
But…. well…what if it’s not? What if when you’re trying to spare their feelings you’re actually telling a grain of truth?
I mean let’s face it if every relationship you have ends the same way, every job hits the same glass ceiling, every friend let’s you down then there comes a point when we realise it can’t just be them because the only common denominator is, well, you.
I’m not saying that everything wrong is all your fault – everyone is doing the best they can with what they know – but maybe it’s worth considering that perhaps you do have something to do with it.
While this may be confronting at first, there comes a moment when accepting and believing this becomes really freeing because it is the source of ultimate personal power.
Let’s face it, I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet but you absolutely cannot change anyone. No matter how hard you try, and even though on the surface they may look like they’ve changed they’ll eventually Spring back to true form.
Sure you can change your external environment, quit your job, leave your relationship, move countries – but wherever you go, your problems will keep repeating until deal with the root cause. It’s like chopping the top off a weed and wondering why it grows back.
The only way to stop them growing back is to deal with the roots of the problem.
If the only thing we can change is ourselves then once we accept that the root of our problems is us then it means we can change permanently, get rid of the issues once and for all.
Then the question becomes not can you, it’s will you.
Can you is easy. Every relationship no matter how toxic it seems right now, can be saved with the right tools and guidance by working through the logical levels of change.
Our relationships, jobs, good, bad and ugly are all just the physical evidence of what is going on inside – our beliefs, values, boundaries, passions, skills and behaviours are all bringing us closer to what we believe to be true about our world, making sure we experience what we expect to see. It has to – otherwise we would think we’re going mad.
The tougher question is if the relationship is worth saving. Because saving the relationship will mean comprise and it’s not compromise with them, as some people would think, it’s compromise within you.
Any new relationship- whether intimate, family, friends, school or work – requires a adjustments to make the relationship work. Sometimes this is easy. There is a feeling that you just click and there is very little compromise needed.
In other relationships there is more of a clunk. Perhaps because you were put together by force not choice. Or perhaps a new addition brings a new dynamic that throws a previously great relationship off balance.
But how low will you go?
Getting rid of a few bad behaviours are considered acceptable and often a bonus of being in a new, healthy relationship. But are you willing to change your values or sacrifice your dream?
Just because you can change, doesn’t mean you should. Just because you should change, doesn’t mean you will.
With each level that must change, the effort required to sustainably change is higher. Because to sustainably change levels below, you are fundamentally changing you and years of deeply ingrained patterns of your thinking that started forming as a baby.
So why would you?
Well, why indeed. The only reason anyone changes any internal level (behaviour to identity) is if they have good reason and these reasons either from the top down, Environment, or bottom up, spiritual purpose – love.
Top down change is pushed by external pressures – time, money, someone said you should, new relationships/jobs etc
Bottom up change is inspired by internal truth – love, mission, identity change (spoiler alert – this is always going to have the strongest pull no matter how hard you try to suppress and ignore it)
If the why is big enough and important enough to you – you’ll change. If not, nobody can ever make you.
Yeah, but should I stay or should I go?
Regardless of who’s to blame, if the situation is bad enough for you to be considering leaving then something must change.
While it’s tempting to take the easy path, taking a few extra moments to work on yourself can turn a painful problem into an opportunity to learn and grow.
Here’s a few simple questions to help you decide which change is worth it. Ask and answer them exactly as they are written – yes, they’re a bit confusing but give it a go and see what comes up.
Cartesian Coordinate Questions (aka The Mind Scramble Test)
- What WILL happen if I DO leave
- What WILL happen if I DON’T leave
- What WON’T happen if I DO leave
- What WON’T happen if I DON’T leave
Once you’ve answered them all with leave, answer them again with stay and see how your answers change.
Let us know if you need a hand…
People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
The author of this poem is unknown but I am forever grateful for the insights it brought me over the years.
I used to worry that I didn’t have any friends from high school and that the “popular” kids seemed to have such happy lives….. turns out popular doesn’t always mean happy…
Sometimes it’s ok to let people go.
When you go though a test of life, they say that’s when you know who your true friends are. And sometimes the power of great friendships can be diminished simply because of the “where are they now” effect later in life.
But that doesn’t actually mean that the friendship you had wasn’t real, it just may have been meant to be for a reason or a season, not a lifetime.
Reason, Season or Lifetime
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.
People will come into your life every day for a reason, season or a lifetime – just make sure you keep open to all friends.
And when you find them, when you feel the connection of a new friendship, embrace it, enjoy it for all the depth and richness it will bring.
But keep in mind that while all friendships are necessary and happening along your journey, the lifetime friends are the ones that seem to matter the most in the ends. They’re the “true friends” everyone tells you about.
They’re the ones that are always there.
They may start as reason or season friends – but they have the power to cross the divide. When you still keep in touch after the season ends…
when you can sustain conversations about more than just the reasons….
then you may have just found yourself a lifetime friend.
They’re the ones who love you for all of you. The good, the bad, the downright ugly. That ask what’s wrong and want to know the answer. They pick you up when you’re down, ground you when you’re flying out of control.
Whatever temptation, whatever distraction, whatever the reason or seasons that come along the way – nothing, not work, not money now short term wins, nothing is worth sacrificing a lifetime friend.
You’ll hurt them, they’ll hurt you and no matter what, it will all be forgiven, water under the bridge because at the end of the day, nothing matters more than the lifetime of love.
Thank you friends.