There’s a misconception with coaching that as soon as you engage a coach your life will start to get better. And luckily for many it does. But unfortunately for many the journey to better is through a long dark tunnel of worse.
Of course if you’re already at rock bottom, get a coach because the only way forward is up.
But what if your pain is internal? What if nobody knows you’re even afraid?
Th clients I work with in coaching are not the weak ones, they’re the strong ones. The ones that have kept everything inside for so long that nobody even knows they feel broken. And their carefully constructed surface self masks a deep unending fear of being found out.
True transformation can’t come when we take what you have and slap a fresh coat of positive paint over it; it comes from truly facing and healing the damage and crud covering our core.
So for many of my clients, happiness is the problem not the progress.
Progress comes when they admit they feel afraid and find the root cause of that fear.
It comes when they admit that they are hurt and sad and let go of the suppressed tears.
It comes when they face the hatred and the anger at the people who stole their innocent years.
It comes when they release the guilt, resentment and regret that they were the ones who let the pain continue.
For me the first sign of progress is when you do something that feels like the opposite. For the brave to be vulnerable, for the sad to express their anger and the angry to cry their tears.
Progress may be falling in love with a new hobby or falling out of love with an old one.
It is not a journey to be entered into lightly because if our outer world is created by our inner world, and it is, then when we transform and heal our inner world chances are everything in our outer world must change.
Change happens in an instant, it’s the fallout of the change that takes time to come to grips with.
It’s learning new skills, practising new behaviour and questioning everything you used to accept as true.
It’s not quitting the job, leaving the relationship, moving to a new place and hoping it will go away. It’s healing the voids that caused you to choose them and then deciding which things are still a match and choosing when and where to stay.
One of the hardest parts about progress, especially for the strong ones, is that so few people will ever know.
This entire journey that could take months or even years may not even be visible to the people in your life. Your greatest breakthrough may have been the day where you said no instead of yes or yes instead of no and nobody even noticed it was different.
But you did. Your coach will.
So honour your Own progress.
Nobody has your trauma or limitations, your beliefs or possibilities.
Don’t look sideways at what “they” are achieving – comparisons will feed the flaws.
Keep focused on who you are becoming, what you need to get there and an occasional glance at how far you’ve come.
And remember – if everything in your old life suddenly doesn’t seem to fit, good.
The Super Computer worked out that the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything was 42, but along the way it seems to have forgotten the question.
Once upon a time, we knew nothing and questioned everything.
This kept us alive, helped us to grow, helped us evolve our bodies and brains into the “advanced” human species we’ve become today. But have you noticed somewhere along the way we forgot to keep physically evolving?
We finally figured out how to communicate what we’d learned, and then somehow in learning how to teach, we forgot how to learn.
Rules were created to keep us safe and schools were created to teach us what we “knew”, and at the beginning of the evolution of our society structure this was especially important because teaching allowed us to expand our society and learn from our mistakes to keep us even safer.
Except we didn’t.
The more we learned and communicated with our heads, the less we listened and explored with our hearts.
The more educated we became the easier it has been to be mentally lazy.
The more mentally lazy we become the easier it is to be controlled.
The more we are controlled, the longer we stay asleep, the easier it is to fall prey to fear.
Fear is a necessary part of our evolution because it is the instinct that helps us discern good from bad, healthy from unhealthy, safe from unsafe.
If we do not know how to defend ourselves, then it makes sense to be afraid of the dark, but that does not mean the darkness is inherently dangerous or bad.
But what if that fear is being manipulated against us? What if we’ve been trained to believe that what is safe is unsafe, what is bad is good?
We need communication to be able to evolve, to stand on the shoulders of giants rather than reinventing the wheel.
But we need curiosity to keep evolution going.
We must remember And we must question.
We have every bit of information that’s ever been discovered at our fingertips and we can use it to wake us up or to push us back to sleep.
What we learn can make us more afraid or help us to choose more love.
It’s our choice to get educated on what we want, when we want, how we want.
Breadcrumb trails lead us to more of what we love, social networks bring our mutual weirdness together so we experience even more learning, even more safety.
We are in a time where everything and anything is possible for our species and what we do with it is entirely dependent on what we’re willing to ask, accept and embrace.
There was a time where he who controlled the education controlled the power.
But with the library of the world in the palm of our hands, they can no longer burn our books, and We control the power.
This is the next stage of evolution.
If The answer is 42, let the questions begin again now.
The last few days of the year always makes me feel like cleaning.
There’s a sense of urgency to clear out the clutter, a feeling of letting go.
This year especially with 2016 (for those of us into numerology) is a 9 year, a year of finishing, the end of a cycle of our lives.
So today is the day to get it done. Let go of anything from the last 9 years that no longer serves you.
Donate clothes that don’t feel right – even if they still fit!
Donate books you don’t read, throw out broken things you won’t mend.
Clean out the tops of the cupboards and the bottoms of the beds.
Clean the clutter, the dust and the air – open as many windows as you can find, light your favourite scented candles and bring in some fresh flowers or plants to act as a filter.
And it’s time to let go emotionally too. Time to release old grudges, leave the baggage behind.
As we look back on the year that was, there are always conversations we wish we’d had, things that could have been said, resentments for truths never set straight or regret for gratitudes never shared.
You’ll know if you have them, they feel like a lump in your throat, a weight on your chest – things you don’t want to start a new year dragging with you.
But the moment has passed, the opportunity to say it in the moment has gone forever and it’s not always worth bringing up again.
So rather than picking up the phone and risking ruining your New Years Eve, instead grab a pen and paper and write an old fashioned letter to them.
This idea came from a friend of mine and it’s a great way to release the emotion without needing anyone else to come to the party.
Why not just an email? Well there are two major reasons for doing it the old fashioned way
1. It’s Much harder to accidentally send a hard copy letter in the heat of the moment that you’ll only regret later
2. The physical act of writing is for now a different, more cathartic release than typing because for most of us we were still brought up writing by hand so our emotional neuro connections are stronger.
The purpose of this letter is not necessarily to send it. Of course you might if it turns out “perfect”, and especially if it is a letter of gratitude, love, forgiveness and reconnection.
Write from the heart, and remember – if it is a letter of resentment, write it then hold on to it for minimum 1 week before you send it. Often what happens in the writing process is that we’re able to let it go emotionally and it doesn’t matter if we get a response. Getting it out of our system is usually enough to forgive and move on much, much lighter.
So long, Farewell 2016. Thank you for the memories.
Sometimes it is so much harder to be good in this world
Success takes longer
You’ll get kicked harder
You’ll be ridiculed, bullied, hurt, dragged down.
You’ll lose to liars, be beaten by cheats.
And somedays you’ll question why be good at all.
It would be so much easier to quit, find an easy way out, let somebody else fix it.
But the world doesn’t get better that way.
Evil isn’t stronger or better, it cheats because it’s NOT strong enough to take the long way.
Evil acts tough but the TRUTH is – Evil is afraid.
Its afraid of being found out. It’s afraid of what is different. It is afraid of being wrong.
And that is evils weakness because Fear never wins. Fear can’t because like darkness, it can always be penetrated by even the smallest flicker of light.
Evil is a matter of perception and closed minds. Love takes curiousity
It takes courage to respond with curiousity instead of judgement.
Ultimately, Love wins. Always. Because Love is not the opposite of fear and hate, it’s the decision that there is something so much more important.
Our Children’s Children are.
Fear is universal, but so is love.
Fear is a survival instinct, Love is necessary for survival.
Fear shrinks, love expands.
So be aware but not afraid of Evil.
Its easy to react with ever increasing levels of evil in the name of good. It takes real strength to choose kindness in the face of angry. Love in the face of fear.
Both are a choice.
Use the anger at evil acts to decide enough is enough.
Use the sadness at evil acts to bring compassion.
Fear breeds more fear, love breeds more love.
Let’s face it, there are times when you just say that to not hurt their feelings when really you want to get out of the relationship tango with someone because they’re really starting to suck you dry.
You know the ones, the toxics, the dream stealers, the people that stab you in the back then apologise for it later.
Whether it’s family, work or a significant other, we’ve all hit a point when their behaviour gets so irritating and you just know that “if they would just change then everything would be ok because they’re the problem”.
It’s not me buddy, it’s YOU!
But…. well…what if it’s not? What if when you’re trying to spare their feelings you’re actually telling a grain of truth?
I mean let’s face it if every relationship you have ends the same way, every job hits the same glass ceiling, every friend let’s you down then there comes a point when we realise it can’t just be them because the only common denominator is, well, you.
I’m not saying that everything wrong is all your fault – everyone is doing the best they can with what they know – but maybe it’s worth considering that perhaps you do have something to do with it.
While this may be confronting at first, there comes a moment when accepting and believing this becomes really freeing because it is the source of ultimate personal power.
Let’s face it, I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet but you absolutely cannot change anyone. No matter how hard you try, and even though on the surface they may look like they’ve changed they’ll eventually Spring back to true form.
Sure you can change your external environment, quit your job, leave your relationship, move countries – but wherever you go, your problems will keep repeating until deal with the root cause. It’s like chopping the top off a weed and wondering why it grows back.
The only way to stop them growing back is to deal with the roots of the problem.
If the only thing we can change is ourselves then once we accept that the root of our problems is us then it means we can change permanently, get rid of the issues once and for all.
Then the question becomes not can you, it’s will you.
Can you is easy. Every relationship no matter how toxic it seems right now, can be saved with the right tools and guidance by working through the logical levels of change.
Our relationships, jobs, good, bad and ugly are all just the physical evidence of what is going on inside – our beliefs, values, boundaries, passions, skills and behaviours are all bringing us closer to what we believe to be true about our world, making sure we experience what we expect to see. It has to – otherwise we would think we’re going mad.
The tougher question is if the relationship is worth saving. Because saving the relationship will mean comprise and it’s not compromise with them, as some people would think, it’s compromise within you.
Any new relationship- whether intimate, family, friends, school or work – requires a adjustments to make the relationship work. Sometimes this is easy. There is a feeling that you just click and there is very little compromise needed.
In other relationships there is more of a clunk. Perhaps because you were put together by force not choice. Or perhaps a new addition brings a new dynamic that throws a previously great relationship off balance.
But how low will you go?
Getting rid of a few bad behaviours are considered acceptable and often a bonus of being in a new, healthy relationship. But are you willing to change your values or sacrifice your dream?
Just because you can change, doesn’t mean you should. Just because you should change, doesn’t mean you will.
With each level that must change, the effort required to sustainably change is higher. Because to sustainably change levels below, you are fundamentally changing you and years of deeply ingrained patterns of your thinking that started forming as a baby.
So why would you?
Well, why indeed. The only reason anyone changes any internal level (behaviour to identity) is if they have good reason and these reasons either from the top down, Environment, or bottom up, spiritual purpose – love.
Top down change is pushed by external pressures – time, money, someone said you should, new relationships/jobs etc
Bottom up change is inspired by internal truth – love, mission, identity change (spoiler alert – this is always going to have the strongest pull no matter how hard you try to suppress and ignore it)
If the why is big enough and important enough to you – you’ll change. If not, nobody can ever make you.
Yeah, but should I stay or should I go?
Regardless of who’s to blame, if the situation is bad enough for you to be considering leaving then something must change.
While it’s tempting to take the easy path, taking a few extra moments to work on yourself can turn a painful problem into an opportunity to learn and grow.
Here’s a few simple questions to help you decide which change is worth it. Ask and answer them exactly as they are written – yes, they’re a bit confusing but give it a go and see what comes up.
Cartesian Coordinate Questions (aka The Mind Scramble Test)
What WILL happen if I DO leave
What WILL happen if I DON’T leave
What WON’T happen if I DO leave
What WON’T happen if I DON’T leave
Once you’ve answered them all with leave, answer them again with stay and see how your answers change.
Have you ever wondered why sometimes bad habits just keep coming back to bite you? Why you can have the best intentions – great new years resolutions, really smart S.M.A.R.T goals and yet still you end up falling back into old routines after a few short weeks?
Have you ever tried to start something or quit something and found it such a struggle, requiring so much effort it just doesn’t seem worth it, while other people seem to just snap their fingers and its done?
Why is that?
Well the Logical Levels of Change model from NLP is one of the best models I’ve found to explain what is actually going on in our brains when we face changes, and for me, once I understand something I find it a damn site easier to make it happen, don’t you?
The NLP Logical Levels of Change Model was inspired by Gregory Bateson, a well known cultural anthropologist, and developed by Robert Dilts and the pioneers of Neuro-Linguistic Programming.
Many traditional therapies focus mainly on the doing aspects of change, the bits they can see – external problems and behaviour – but the problem is that if you only focus on changing what you see on the surface, it’s like chopping the top off a weed and wondering why it grows back.
Every gardener knows that the part of the weed you can see is just the symptom of a much bigger root system below and until you deal with the roots, you’ve never truly solved the problem.
In Transformational Meta Coaching, we deal with the thinking beneath the behaviour, the skills, beliefs, values and identity buried deep in the unconscious mind, and know the external problems and behaviour simply as an indicator of where to start digging.
Let me explain how we use the Six Logical Levels of Change in coaching:
If you stop and reflect on the problems you experience in your world, you’ll notice that even though the external environment you’re in has changed many times over, there are patterns that have repeated throughout your life. For example – bullying in the workplace or clutter in your home or challenges in relationships.
The same is true for the things you excel at – reflect for a moment on the areas that you are most effective at in life and notice that no matter the environment, you’re “a natural” at certain things. Eg parenting, health and fitness, your successful job.
Fulfillment and happiness comes from the experience of living in congruence with the calling in our hearts but this only occurs when all 6 areas are in alignment. So many people experience frustration in their life because they know their external environment doesn’t match up with the mission or calling of their heart and who they say they are, but get stuck in that place because they only change the environment or behaviour and so the problems keep reoccurring.
When you notice these reoccurring patterns, you can choose to be frustrated or excited as they are the most valuable indicators in teaching you the biggest lessons about you. When you recognise a pattern, it’s time to celebrate and look within to change it to “be the change you want to see”.
You can change any in any order but if you only change the surface the change will be less effective, each layer below the surface will make the change more effective
When working with a Meta Coach, our focus is first and foremost on identifying which level is causing you to be stuck then supporting you through the most effective first techniques to shift the block in your thinking or actions to allow you to move forward.
That said, Just changing one area, does not guarantee change in another. When change occurs in a hypnotherapy or Meta Coaching session at the transformational levels, then it is instant, permanent and more likely to impact and stick in the doing levels.
However, just because the transformation has occurred, the evidence may not appear immediately in your external world and so ongoing support and accountability is recommended until the new behaviour’s become habits and the new results start to appear.
Which should I choose first?
Environment – Changing the external environment should be a last resort because everything you are experiencing in your current external environment is simply a reflection of your internal environment. (ie don’t quit your job or leave your relationship thinking the next one will magically be better – it wont unless you change)
Your environment is the one area that can be changed by others without warning or desire eg. Through redundancy, so if that happens, you can choose to see that as scary or a gift, an opportunity to consider if it really was as good as you remember, in which case recreate it, OR if perhaps it just seemed good because it was comfortable. Revisit the Six Core Needs on how to handle uncertainty
Behaviour – simply a symptom of everything below it so “doing change” requires constant focus, effort and accountability to maintain. It also requires a lot of energy and motivation which tends to fade quickly. Consider an accountability buddy to help it stick.
Skills & Capabilities – this is a pivotal part of any lasting change because it impacts up and down the scale. When you learn something new, the new awareness and perspective can change beliefs, values and even what you believe about yourself and the world around you. It is important to bring a level of child like curiosity to any learning though, not the school rote memory nonsense because true learning requires you to apply it to be effective.
It is also vitally important to remember there will always be a learning period taking you through the Conscious Learning Cycle after any transformational change work because even though you have the new belief, that wont instantly give you the years of practice you missed out on with your old beliefs. Eg Transforming a limiting belief of “I’m not creative” to “I am infinitely creative” does not necessarily you’ll be able to paint like michalangelo at the end of the coaching session. You need to take your new belief into new situations, art classes, and go through the learning cycle from basics to Mastery.
Beliefs and values – “transformational change” This work can happen naturally through learning and periods of change in your life, but if you’re after rapid results without years of continuing to repeat the same mistakes, we recommend working with a Meta Coach who understands how beliefs are formed and has the skills to instantly maximise the effectiveness of the Neuro-Plasticity of the brain to give you a jump start in your progress.
Identity – Any identity statement comes with a subset of values and beliefs, loosely based on generalised stereotypes but specifically unique to you eg, “I am a parent/ wife/ lawyer/ doctor/ sick/ healthy.
Significant emotional events tend to be the most powerful catalyst for change as they usually impact multiple areas at the same time, particularly something like the birth of a child and shift one “I Am” statement to another.
If you have experienced a significant emotional event, or want to make changes without waiting for one, then that is the best time to work with a counsellor or coach to help you clarify how the changes in your core belief about yourself will impact in your world, and what you can do to make it a smooth and enjoyable transition.
Spirit Purpose – This is the core truth we’re all working to get back to. A Course In Miracles says “Your goal is to find out who you are and live that”. Many spiritual teachers agree that we’re all born with our purpose in our heart, then our life experiences are designed to guide us to live that purpose. For some people, that is experienced through their faith/religion. For others it is the unconditional love of a child. Or even the awareness that the most rewarding experience is to give freely to others in need.
When you’re trusting the mission in your heart, when you’re on Your purpose, then there is a wonderful feeling of “Flow”. It is as if everything is easy, working in your favour. Carparks open up at crowded shopping centres, opportunities come beating down your door for you to choose at your preference, true abundance flows to you in all areas – health, love, wealth and with it, the complete certainty of knowing you are on the right path.
A Rose, does not compare itself to a tree and try to be that – it simply grows every day into the most beautiful version of itself it can be.
Listen to your heart, get help to clear out the clutter of “Should’s” and enjoy the incredible richness of your life that will follow.
“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you’er than you.”
$250/session – Less than a months worth of Cigarettes!
Prevention planning against future smoking triggers
Prevention planning against possible weight gain
Deeper clearing for trauma triggers available on request
Guided meditation tools available to help deal resourcefully with stress
mentoring and accountability available until you have achieved your Aligned Future
Have you tried “everything” to quit smoking?
Are you at your wits end – know you need to but just don’t know how?
What to quit smoking – for good?
With the government making moves to raise the cost of cigarettes to more than $40 a pack there has never been a better time to quit.
Most people have tried to quit smoking many times before they finally succeed. They may even have a few days smoke free but then start again because they haven’t planned for the how they’re going to deal with the triggers that made them smoke in the first place.
There are many aspects to quitting smoking that make it either very difficult or very easy – your Aligned Future Hypnotherapist makes sure these are all factored in to your quit session so you leave smoke free and armed with new ways to handle stress.
If you know it’s time – give us a call.
If your 2016 New Years Resolution is to finally quit and follow through on those New Years Resolutions you’re committed to, our sessions are the perfect helping hand to make sure you succeed this time.
All Aligned Future Hypnotherapy sessions are available by application only. We guarantee that at the end of each session you will be completely smoke free and armed with the tools to be a non smoker for life, but we only accept clients who are truly committed to making the change.