Relationship Essentials is here…

Relationship Essentials ThumbDid your last Valentine’s Day not quite go according to plan?

We all remember what it’s like to be in a new relationship. Those early days of feeling loved up and starry eyed.

When it was all romance and possibilities.

Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows that the honeymoon phase wears off, life gets in the way and the person who used to be at the centre of your world becomes the stranger in the other room.

With 1 in 3 Marriages ending in divorce, and even higher numbers for long term relationships that never made it official, if you’ve had that moment of wondering how did things get so off track then Relationships Essentials is for you.

Click here to find out how Relationships Essentials can reignite the spark and bring your relationship back to its honeymoon phase potential.

Join Relationship Essentials using our special Valentines Day code and receive $20 off – enter REValentine at the checkout (valid this week only). 

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Choose Love

Sometimes it is so much harder to be good in this world
Success takes longer
You’ll get kicked harder
You’ll be ridiculed, bullied, hurt, dragged down.
You’ll lose to liars, be beaten by cheats.
And somedays you’ll question why be good at all.
It would be so much easier to quit, find an easy way out, let somebody else fix it.
But the world doesn’t get better that way.
Evil isn’t stronger or better, it cheats because it’s NOT strong enough to take the long way.
Evil acts tough but the TRUTH is – Evil is afraid.
Its afraid of being found out. It’s afraid of what is different. It is afraid of being wrong.
And that is evils weakness because Fear never wins. Fear can’t because like darkness, it can always be penetrated by even the smallest flicker of light.
Of Goodness.
Of Hope.
Of Love.
Evil is a matter of perception and closed minds. Love takes curiousity
And courage.
It takes courage to respond with curiousity instead of judgement.
Ultimately, Love wins. Always. Because Love is not the opposite of fear and hate, it’s the decision that there is something so much more important.
We are.
Our Children’s Children are.
Humanity is.
Fear is universal, but so is love.
Fear is a survival instinct, Love is necessary for survival.
Fear shrinks, love expands.
So be aware but not afraid of Evil.
Its easy to react with ever increasing levels of evil in the name of good. It takes real strength to choose kindness in the face of angry. Love in the face of fear.
Both are a choice.
Use the anger at evil acts to decide enough is enough.
Use the sadness at evil acts to bring compassion.
Fear breeds more fear, love breeds more love.
Choose love.💞

Six Core Needs – Why do I do that?

Have you ever wondered why we do what we do?

In coaching and human behaviour we know that while each human being is unique, we also share nervous systems that function in the same way, which means there are finite number of human behaviour patterns that we all have in common – we just put them together in many different ways.

The Six Core Needs is one such pattern that is regarded as one of the most influential in how we live and function as a society and critical to how we achieve happiness and fulfillment or live a life of quiet desperation since all behaviour meets one or all those six needs.

In any given moment, these six core needs are the source of lasting, sustainable happiness and fulfillment. Unfortunately they’re also the source of addictions, violent behaviour and depression.

How can the same six needs give such completely different results?

Let’s take a look. First up, here are the Six Core Human Needs from Anthony Robbins.

  1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure, safety, security
  2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli, adventure
  3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed, independence
  4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something
  5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
  6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others

 

The Six Core Needs are broken into two parts – the top four are needs of the Ego, and the last two are needs of the Spirit. The top 4 are the most compelling and as much a part of our life as gravity – doesn’t make sense and we don’t always like it but I still don’t recommend you test the theory.

You’ll notice that they’re also in sets of two that look contradictory to each other – Certainty and Uncertainty/Variety, Significance and Connection/Love. That’s because with each set there is such thing as too much of a good thing.

Have you ever noticed that when things become to certain, too much routine, too much same-same groundhog day then we’ll find a way to spice things up a bit, “Variety is the spice of life” they say.

And have you ever seen significant people that appear to have it all, fame and fortune, but feel alone and spiral out of control because they cant find real connection and love?

Whether we’re consciously aware of it or not, our top four needs are being met every day as they have become crucial to our survival, but we all meet and prioritise them differently. As a general rule, we each have a top two “driver” needs and the priority we choose will impact every aspect of our life, and can cause major conflict – especially in our careers and relationships – if we need to  interact with people with a different priority order.

Every need is happening, but which one do YOU prioritise?

Four needs of the Ego
Six Core Human Needs – Four needs of the Ego

On a day to day basis we always have all 4 top needs happening, but there are two in particular that will drive our decisions – one from each set, and within those two there will be one that sits as number 1 priority – the tie breaker Driver need.

To work out your number one Driver, look at each need asking “If you could only have one or the other, which would you choose?” Then take the one you choose and compare it with the next one down.

For example – Certainty or Variety – Certainty. Certainty or Significance – Certainty. Certainty or Connection/Love – Certainty. Number 1 need is Certainty.

Then for number two, do the same with the remaining 3 needs.

Variety or Significance – Significance. Significance or Connection/Love – Connection/Love. Connection/Love or Variety – Connection and Love. Number 2 need is Connection/Love.

Be aware though that the words themselves can impact on people’s choices so make sure you use the descriptions above to get a true representation of your number 1 and 2 driving needs.

When faced with a decision, everyone will decide on the behaviour’s or actions to take based on their driving need, people who are driven by certainty/security will make very different decisions about careers, holidays and investments with a level of risk, to people who are driven by variety/adventure.

This can lead to a lot of challenges for couples trying to plan a holiday if they have different priority drivers…

Sliding Scales

Even within the priority drivers, there is difference. Imagine that each need set is 100%, within each one we each have a sliding scale balance point where we feel the most comfortable – our natural balance.

If someone has Certainty as number one then it could mean that they have anywhere from 51% Certainty to 99% Certainty (49% Variety to 1% Variety)

This changes the behaviour extremes.

  • 60% Certainty – likes going to the same restaurant, prefers a secure job
  • 75% Certainty – has a set daily routine, prefers an autonomous role they are in control of.
  • 90% Certainty – needs to be in control of most aspects of life, often displays OCD behaviour’s, does not respond well to sudden change

Sometimes our sliding scales get out of whack either by our choice or someone else’s, and when they do it creates extra stress that needs to be managed and brought back into alignment. Read about how to handle change here.

Resourceful / Unresourceful

As we meet the top four needs, our behaviour will be either be resourceful or unresourceful – which forms the most dramatic difference between fulfillment or frustration.

Consider the following questions. Is this behaviour:

  • Internal or External Driven?
    • Internal – 100% up to me and reliant on my actions and perspective to succeed
    • External – requires other people or things to go right or be controlled to succeed.
  • Sustainable or Unsustainable
    • If everyone did this same behaviour would the world/business/community be a good sustainable place to be?
  • Ecological
    • Good for me, good for you, good for the greater good?

Resourceful behaviour’s= internal driven, sustainable, ecological.

Unresourceful behaviour’s = external driven, unsustainable, not ecological.

Six Core Human Needs and behaviours from Anthony Robbins - why we do what we do
Six Core Human Needs and Behaviour’s

 

It is important to remember that with all behaviour it is still context dependent so while the behaviours here are generally considered to be resourceful or unresourceful – there will still be certain contexts or extremes that push them to the other side. Eg. Cleaning is a resourceful way to meet your need for certainty, but obsessive compulsive cleaning can lead to an inability to leave the home. Drug taking is an unresourceful way to meet the need for variety but many chronic pain sufferers smoke marijuana to be able to find relief from the pain. Read more here.

Needs of the spirit.

Six Core Human Needs - Two needs of the Spirit
Six Core Human Needs – Two needs of the Spirit

The final two needs are unattainable until the top four are being met in a resourceful way. They’re also the most compelling needs that can pull us forward through more challenges than the top four alone.

Many people say that growth and learning can be achieved at the same time as unresourceful behaviours (enter university…) but there always comes a point where the next level or growth requires a decision to let go of the old behaviour for the new  – like throwing off sandbags from a rising hot air balloon.

The final need is the source of ultimate happiness which is being able to contribute to others in meaningful way. There is a reason that we all rally together in a crisis. As humans we’ve learnt that there is survival not just of the fittest but in our society its how we work together and the community we have around us.

At our core, we have a need to want to help others for no other reason than it just feels good. As Zig Ziglar said – “If I help enough people’s dreams come true, mine get taken care of.”

 

 

With thanks to Anthony Robbins

https://training.tonyrobbins.com/the-6-human-needs-why-we-do-what-we-do/

F.E.A.R

Fear is the most debilitating of human emotions.

It’s critical for our survival but with that part of your brain on constant surveillance for anything that could be dangerous it can get to a point where the definition of “dangerous” is simply “anything that is different”…

Now this was really useful when our RAS (the bit that filters in what is important to be aware of, and keeps out the rest aka the gatekeeper for your conscious mind) was used to scanning thousands of acres of African Savannah looking for the subtle movement of a sabre tooth tiger, but these days – with less animals waiting to eat you and with more rapid change and new things everywhere it can get a little out of control….

Even that wouldn’t be a problem if the fear part of us was rational and logical because it would make sense that of course things are newer more often because we’re inventing things all the time, but it doesn’t matter that there’s a new technology breakthrough because it’s obviously not life threatening – sabre tooth tigers are extinct now so there’s nothing to worry about….right?

Wrong.

See the modern “advanced” human brain actually has 3 different parts that have evolved over years of mutation under the Darwin principal -survival of the fittest. The newer neocortex areas of our brain allow us to reason and use logic, and are what has given us the ability to create such an range of tools and resources far beyond our needs for pure survival – one of the distinguishing features of human society over most other species.

Unfortunately the newer, analytical parts of our brain operate a little slower than the original “Croc Brain” which is the part responsible for all things survival.

This is the part that is deeply unconscious and controls all the things that if you needed to think about them before you did them would be too late. Like breathing, keeping your heart pumping and – reacting to life threatening danger.

When it comes to reaction speed, emotional instinct trumps logical analysis every time.

See while our brains evolved, our fight or flight response to danger remained the same.

The problem is that sometimes the fear sensor triggers the fight or flight response before we have time to rationalise that the danger isn’t really life threatening. In fact, thanks to our mirror neurones, sometimes we’re in fight or flight before we realise the danger isn’t even real! (Ever had a nightmare?)

When that response goes off, chemicals flood your body, preparing you to run away or punch danger in the face – And When you’re in real mortal danger, this response can save your life (cue Mick Fanning’s shark punch)

Most of the time it’s not a big deal but in times of heightened stress, the RAS kicks into danger hyperdrive and you can find yourself caught in the fight chain of Anger,when the last little thing causes you to lash out at someone either verbally or physically in a way that is a complete overreaction to how logically your response should have been.

Anger is the second core human emotion that we need to survive because it’s the one that defines our boundaries and fuels our strength when those boundaries are crossed. Unfortunately it is stored in a chain, like a string of pearls, and if we don’t deal with them as they come up the chain gets longer until finally the tiniest pearl at the end sends all the anger flying at whoever is closest.

Cue sadness, the third of the fundamentally human emotions that allow our society to function because it is what gives us the compassion to care for others. And with it remorse, regret and asking for forgiveness.

This compassion drives us to want to learn from our mistakes for the good of our loved ones, our community, our world. It drives us to seek the ultimate fulfilment through contribution to the good of others.

But if we’re too afraid to expand what we know to be safe, or say what needs to be said to change what needs to be changed – then we just stay stuck still, a “victim” in tears, waiting for the danger to get us and feeling powerless to stop it.

The more powerless we feel, the more we crave safety, certainty and the less willing we are to leave the familiarity of our comfort zone.

Unfortunately the more you try to keep things the same, the more anything new looks dangerous to your fear sensors.

Your whole body goes on the defensive, high alert, ready to react instantly to the first sign of danger. But when your comfort zone shrinks, that first sign of danger is often nothing more than a look, a tone of voice, an innocent question from a loved one that was never meant with judgement but you feel is an attack on your safety.

So you react with anger, sadness, fear and so the cycle continues.

There is a way to stop unreasonable fear ruling your life though, and the first step is awareness.

Let’s put aside the real dangers In Life for a moment and talk about the threats that trigger the other kind of F.E.A.R. – False Evidence Appearing Real.

If you know and accept that no matter how much you don’t like it, we’re still – and always will be in our lifetime at least – emotional beings, then you can learn to master your emotions rather than wishing they’d go away.

Fear, Anger and Sadness are not something to ignore, suppress or get rid of because they will always come out at some stage – they have to, it’s evolution baby!

While you can’t always take control of your fear response, you can take control of your RAS, or at least what it is searching for, and you must because If you don’t tell it what to look for then everything new is danger.

So when you feel the Fear, Anger or Sadness about to overwhelm you and explode, just STOP.

S- Stop. Just stop whatever your saying or about to say, doing or about to do because the only possible outcome of a fight or flight response is that someone gets hurt. Either someone/thing hurts you first; or you hurt it first – that’s the point. Whether it is physically or emotionally – fighting always hurts. Even flight hurts – it hurts you. So just stop and take the time to…

T- Think
– you need time to force your rational brains to kick in and override the danger signal. You need to notice it’s not really life threatening. Take a moment to suspend your emotional response and think that just maybe there is another perspective. Take a moment to put yourself in their shoes and…

O- Open your heart
– Love is the only antidote to fear. Love is the opposite side to the coin, they cannot exist at the same time, love will always win out because the core of fear is lack of love. So if you consider that the other person may also be reacting from an emotional space of fear then you can be open enough to hearing both sides of the story. It does not make them right but without being open, the real truth can never be told. And without the real truth, then there can never be a common ground to stand on to start to move forward. For some people, their love for you is not worth moving forward together so you simply need to get to a solid ground for you. But for others, for important relationships this is a must because it is usually these people we take our fear out on the most. They have to safest ground to be tested because you can push further with each other before giving up. Parents, husbands/wives, children, close friends – the stronger the love the stronger the tests it can withstand but there comes a point where the testing must stop. Where you must stop trying to win against them, and truly embrace the common ground to stand together so you both can win against the world. The true danger is out there, not in here, and we’re always stronger together. When you realise that then you can start to look for the…

P- Positives
. There is always a silver lining, there is always a positive in every situation because love and light always exists even in the darkness and it is so much more powerful. A single candle can shed more light than a single shadow can shed dark.

If you trust that everything happens for a reason and look for the positives, even in the potential worst case outcome, then it makes starting the thing you’re afraid of easier. If you trust that there is always a way then you will find it together.

But you must consciously look for the positive because your RAS is set to default to negative. Looking for the positive is and always will be a manual override function. Even for the most optimistic person, their default setting is to survive and that means be always on the lookout for danger. Look for love, and practice patience and gratitude as a stepping stone to love.

Remember there is no universal truth and no single common danger. Even the universal truth that the sun will come up tomorrow is not true in many parts of the world.

Our truth is simply that which we believe to be true based on all that we’ve experienced so far, and our RAS will continue to look for evidence to remind us of that truth because that is our safety, our beacon of certainty in an otherwise uncertain world.

All possibilities exist in the world in every moment. Doubt or trust. Lack or abundance. Fear or love.

The more positive universal truths we accept, the more positive our world will be as our RAS uses these as guidance to filter in and out everything else.

So look for love and trust that you are loved. And every time you find someone who loves you, hold onto that truth and never let yourself question it. Look for evidence that makes it true instead.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the decision there is something more important than the fear”

RAS – click here for the science
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reticular_activating_system

The Mayonaise Jar of Life

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.


A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar.   He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor,   as the laughter subsided,
‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things – family, children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else –The small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’  He continued,
there is no room for  the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So…

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children…Take time to get medical checkups…Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal..

‘Take care of the golf balls first — The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. ‘I’m glad you asked’.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

Choice is Everything

Choice is everything in life.

Choice has the power to turn the good into bad, or the bad into good.

Choice keeps you on a spiral of CANI (Constant and neverending Improvement) or CANDisappointment.

Choice let’s you notice love and truth or fear and doubt.

Choice gives you the ability to create the reality of your nightmares or the world of your dreams?

To see only the grey clouds or the beauty in the rainbow.

To recite what you’ve remembered, or to apply what you have learned to really live your life.

To turn average into good, good into great, great into outstanding.

To complain that you cant, or find a way to prove you can.

To choose to live a great life is your choice – not anybody else’s.

Choice is everything. Choose wisely.